Of all the traumas potentially affecting a marriage or life-partner relationship, infidelity is among the most devastating from which to recover.
While accurate statistics are hard to verify, it?s fair to say that anywhere from 25% to 50% of all partners have had an affair. Data from lawyers shows that about one third of all divorces are caused by an affair.
And a study by anthropologist, Laura Betzig, shows that an extramarital affair is the most common cause of divorce in 150 different cultures including, of course, the United States.
Affairs are costly and damaging. Because there are so many causes and variables contributing to extramarital affairs it would be impossible to create a generalized recipe for repair, survival or recovery.
But understanding why some people have affairs can help provide you with clarity about whether there is hope of recovery and if the suggestions offered here can help your situation.
Most affairs begin with a common connection like work, neighbors, PTA meetings and so on. But people are finding more discreet ways to find romantic partners on Internet sites like Ashley Madison dot com which actually promote extramarital affairs.
Ashley Madison?s sole purpose is stated on their home page and is a registered trademark: ?Life is Short. Have an Affair.? They claim to have over 14 million anonymous members.
Other websites like Match, E Harmony, Facebook and dozens of others provide a tempting breeding ground for those looking for partners outside their relationship.
It?s simply too easy for those who are unwilling to address what?s missing in their relationships to have an affair these days. If someone goes down this path and is found out, recovery is often impossible and partners may never believe they can trust their spouse again.
There?s no doubt that the results of an affair to the victim, perpetrator and other family members is potentially devastating. But getting beyond an affair with a relationship intact is very possible.
However, both partners must agree that taking a close look at not only the transgressor?s actions, but also at what was going on or missing in the relationship prior to the affair is critical if long-lasting happiness is to be developed.
So, if you and your partner are game, here are 7 Steps to Recovering from an Affair.
1. Immediately sever all ties and communication.
Your partner must end all communication with the person with whom they?ve had an affair. This must be non-negotiable and needs to take place immediately.
No attempt to reconcile your relationship can proceed until your partner agrees to completely end all contact. Any equivocation or delay is evidence that they?re not ready to look at or repair your relationship and worsens the injuries.
Unfaithful partners sometimes ask, ?Why should I give up my lover? What if things don?t work out in my marriage?? Because they chose to take a huge risk when they started their affair, the offender must be willing to take the risk on your relationship.
If not, repair won?t happen.
2. Honesty.
The perpetrator of the affair must answer any and all questions and apologize over and over. Having and expressing honest remorse must be part of the equation.
Secrets and withholding information after an affair deepens the mistrust and does nothing to rebuild it.
Even though hearing some of the details may hurt, the risk of not revealing information means that if some day new details emerge, the wounds of mistrust will come back as fresh as ever.
Being open and honest means making all computers, e mail and phones accessible. If not, there?s something to hide and rebuilding real trust isn?t possible.
3. Understanding and empathy are required by everyone involved for as long as it takes ? recovery can take anywhere from months to years.
If there?s a sincere commitment to rebuilding the relationship, understanding what went wrong and working to rebuild trust must be present every day.
Listen to your partner?s feelings and accept them unconditionally. Feelings are not negotiable. They can change, but only when true acceptance and empathy exist.
As hard as it might be, listening and acceptance must occur if there?s any hope of repair. Blaming and defending is a murky dynamic and should be avoided.
4. Expect strong emotions and questions at any time.
Denial of your partner?s feelings or stating, ?Let?s not talk about it again,? is not an option. Extremely strong emotions can flare up at any time and can be triggered by an event, a movie or practically anything else.
As long as the same gory details aren?t rehashed over and over, it?s fair and understandable that your partner express their feelings.
They need to feel free to ask questions until trust is restored. When ready, moving forward should also mean both parties are ready to explore what, if anything, the victim contributed to allowing a disconnection deep enough to have their partner go elsewhere for an emotional connection or sex.
It?s easy to point a finger at the one who had the affair. But it?s important that both parties together and sometimes individually, have deep, honest introspection before repair can take place and solidify.
If details of the affair that were already disclosed are brought up over and over again, then a gentle, understanding response that the information about the number of times and the precise activity engaged in was already revealed should be mentioned.
Give sincere, gentle and empathic assurance that nothing else is being hidden and apologize.
5. Never ever blame the wronged partner for your affair.
No matter how ignored you may have felt, no matter what you think your partner may have done to make you stray, if you go down the road of blame you will likely end up on it alone.
You were the one who chose to cheat instead of openly exploring what was missing before you cheated. If you attempted to talk about the problems before you had an affair and were rejected, then professional help was needed.
If professional intervention was rejected, then honest consideration of leaving the relationship was needed ? not an affair. There are cases where the cheater may have an addiction, a personality disorder or other mental health problem.
If these can be ruled out, and extreme caution not to blame the victim is exercised, looking at problems that existed before the affair began has to be part of the repair process.
Only then can deeper mutual understanding and trust evolve. Without understanding what the disconnection was before the affair and what role ? if any ? the cheated-on partner played in the feelings of disconnection, a long-lasting connection won?t develop.
It is almost always appropriate to explore what was missing in your relationship and how it can be improved. But putting these problems in the context of blaming your partner is almost certain disaster.
Realize that trying to do all this without professional help is a huge risk. Most people are just not equipped to explore and negotiate this kind of difficulty without a therapist. There are many to choose from so do your research and get some help.
6. Patience is required.
Approximately 65 percent of all couples who divorced said they wished they tried harder before they made the decision to divorce. Hindsight is, well . . . you know.
Forgiveness and trust can only evolve in time if you do the hard work, but they cannot be forced or demanded. Like a serious physical injury, there may always be residual pain and recall of the events and injuries.
Expect it and be patient and understanding when it occurs ? forever. Long-lasting repair and recovery depend on this.
7. Continue your life together.
Unless you?ve been forced to separate (which can sometimes be very helpful even though painful), continuing your life together is critical. Try to limit the time for talking about the affair to 30 to 45 minutes.
Talking about something as traumatizing as an affair for longer than that can wear out anyone. The same goes for pre-existing issues.
Try to put a time limit on talks and continue your lives. Also, getting everyone else?s opinion won?t solve anything ? keep it between yourselves.
If you need to talk to someone else, talk with a therapist. Few people whose relationships suffered an affair can fully recover without a therapist?s involvement.
Spending at least some time together is essential ? it can?t be none. Stopping your life until, ?everything goes back to normal,? should not be an option.
There is no going back and there is no normal. There is only what was, what is and what you plan and work toward for your future.
Remember, about 65% of all partners who divorced said they wished they?d tried harder to reconcile. So before bailing out, it?s important to take steps to rescue the commitment of your marriage or life-partnership.
If you feel hopeless about moving past the affair, a professional counselor should be consulted ? most couples who?ve suffered an affair need professional assistance.
Taking the time to do the hard work and having plenty of patience can make the difference between staying together and splitting up. And after all, if you work things out, wouldn?t the time and effort invested to creating a much stronger bond be worth it?
About the author
Joshua Kates is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in New Jersey specializing in individual and couples therapy and maintains a private practice in Hillsborough, NJ.
Josh is also on staff as an outpatient psychotherapist at Hunterdon Medical Center.
With over 15 years experience as a psychotherapist, and as a graduate of New York University?s School of Social Work specializing in Cognitive Behavioral & Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Josh works with a broad spectrum of clients.
Visit www.joshkates.com to know more about Josh Kates.
Related posts:
- Surviving An Affair- Can I Stop the Affair?
- Andrew G. Marshall: Infidelity: From Discovery to Recovery in Seven Steps
- Surviving An Affair- Should We Have Sex?
- 5 Keys To Surviving A Marital Affair
- 8 Stages Of Recovery- How To Survive An Affair
alec baldwin kicked off plane alec baldwin kicked off plane mumia mumia uss arizona memorial uss arizona memorial d day
iau msft etan patz obama dog doug hutchison larry brown kevin hart
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.